Back in 2017, I wrote myself a love note.
I kept it stuck to the monitor of my computer at the place I was working, so that I could see it and be reminded by it every moment. You might say it helped me re-member myself.
It probably did.
At the time when I wrote it, after having stepped away from my desk for a few moments of shallow-breathing in the copy room, I had no idea where I was going in life. That big existential question "what am I doing here?" had both a micro and a macro focus. I knew I couldn't stay where I was. It was stressful and constricting in every way possible. I have no idea or recollection of how these words came to me, I do know that they are my own, the voice of my Self having broken through during a quiet moment in an otherwise extremely noisy day and existence.
If I'm honest (which I am), I don't think I even grasped the full meaning of these words at the time. What was peace, anyway? Definitely something for other folks, and not necessarily for me. Not at the time anyway. I didn't Know peace like I do now.
I also did not know that my Saturn Return was beginning. Of all the things I didn't know then, and do Know now, having some idea about what a Saturn Return is could've been extremely helpful. Saturn Returns are the astonishingly potent times in one’s life where seemingly everything goes to shit at once, and also maintains a steady burn rate throughout. The lessons of the Saturn Return are often heavy, fraught with grief, and the absolute friction that occurs when we try to hang on to something that is rubbing up against an entryway that it doesn’t fit through. I know some of you don't follow astrology, and that's ok. You also have gone through at least one Saturn Return, depending on your age. They happen every 27ish years. Saturn is a slow moving planet, and he gives us plenty of time in between coming back to where he was when we were born to get our shit in order and move into Right Relationship for our lives.
When we have not done this work yet, that's when he steps in. As the taskmaster energy and lord of karmic patterns, Saturn is ruthless when it comes to bringing down old systems of belief, action and thought that are no longer in alignment with what is actually and truly meant for us. When it comes to the burn-down, a Saturn Return is known for it. It's almost greedy how much he can take away in just a few short years, yet its also pretty magnificent to see, feel and live into all the space that is created once this process has had its say.
It's the message saying "Get Right, girl." And once we know that its actually here to help us do amazing things and heal our lives in tremendous ways, we can move through the energy--which can otherwise feel very cumbersome, destructive and completely painful--a lot easier.
Everyone's Saturn Return is different. Of course. That's because we are all on different journeys, at different places and junctures, and requiring different lessons according to our souls karma and path. I'll say this, though: most people I know who are around my age speak of the shit totally hitting the fan between ages 27-30.
So there we are, there's the astrology touching every life. The Saturn Return comes for all of us, regardless of it we want to "believe" in planetary movements and energy or not. They still move, they still interact with each other and with us, and they still return to their natal placements.
So why am I writing about this now? It's history by now, is it not? Well, not quite. Just a few weeks ago, on November 28, 2020, Saturn stationed direct after having been in retrograde for the last 6 months. Like I said before, this is a slow-mover. He stationed direct in 25 degrees of Capricorn, which is the exact placement of Saturn in my natal chart. So this is actually a very sacred day and time for me. In about 1.5 lunar cycles, my Saturn Return will be over. He will have moved on, and a New Cycle will begin that will take me through until my mid-late fifties.
Synchronously, I found this post-it attached to some old papers as I was going through a part of my closet the other day. It has stuck around (no pun intended!) for all these years of the Saturn Return, to deliver its message more clearly than ever now at the end of it. It reminded me that the intention of my Saturn Return, to create space and make peace with my Self, has been honored and fulfilled. It has shown me what a Great amount of learning I have done and how far I have traveled down this path. Its a small square of paper that holds the history of my life, and the voice of my Self in just a few square inches. What a synchronicity. Blessed Be.
In the meantime, before this is over, I have the time to finish up working with the big endings I have experienced over the last circa three years. I have this last stage of integration to allow it all to come together. This spaciousness that is being created in my life and in my Self is truly incredible. I can see, very clearly, how much I needed the help of a good life purge in order to free up what I now have open inside myself and in my life. I would say it is a miracle, and it surely is that. I can also say how I watched and experienced every piece of this unfold. Sometimes from tear-filled eyes and a broken heart. I allowed it, though. I didn't squeeze myself through the doorways of new beginnings. There were times I absolutely tried to, for sure! For the most part, after awhile and most recently, I have begun to just let things that didn't fit anymore fall away. And I made sure to grieve them as I did so. For we know that sometimes all we love is not meant to travel on with us. It's a sad reality at times, a hard reality at others. That's the lesson of Saturn though. Right Relationship. If it isn't Right, then let it be pulled away.
It's astonishing how easy things slip in and out of our lives if only we allow them to. And it's not nearly as painful because we aren't stuck holding something that is no longer fully there with us anymore. Pain is exacerbated when we try to hold the ghosts of the past that have already moved on, moved through, passed on to another realm, phase, place of life. Saturn urges us to keep going, to let everything collapse except for the dreams and desires of our hearts and souls. We don't need much of anything else, anyway. And the energy of the Saturn Return can show us that.
If you're sitting in the energy of Saturn's Return, I see you there, and I feel you, too. It's not easy, it's not necessarily anyone's definition of 'fun', and it's probably going to pull a lot away that you maybe never considered letting go from your life. Some of this will be patterns, people, places, things, and relationships. Gather your courage, your bravery and your resilience. This is the time of the Warrior who uses her discernment and strength to allow big endings to come. Who goes forward in bravery, with the courage and fortitude to Know that what has been taken was ready to go, and what is coming is something even more beautiful. Another piece of Truth on the path of re-membering our Selves Home. Allow Her to awaken and be stirred to Her calling of courage. Be blessed, and know that you are supported now and always. A'ho
As for me, I reflect on these last years and I feel full of love and gratitude. Yes, my life did burn. Yes, for a lot of the time, I wasn't quite sure what the hell what was happening. Yes, I cried a lot. And yet, the woman I was found her bravery, her courage, and her resilience through it all and delivered this new version of me to the other side.
With a full heart, and full recognition of All I have been, I write to the woman who wrote this post-it of Truth before she even Knew what Truth was:
Thank you. You showed so much courage and faith that was never fully registered and recognized at the time, and now it is. Without your resilience, and your commitment to keep moving, no matter what, this woman sitting here writing this piece would've never been birthed. Thank you for your woundedness, and the slow turn you made towards healing your life.
You were brave to let things burn. You were courageous to want to know better so that you could do better. You were Truthful when you left people, places, jobs, love, behind so that you could pursue something that felt even more True. You always knew there was something Greater, something More. You always had that connection to Her, you just didn't Know it yet.
Today, I honor you. You did the best you possibly could, then and always. And I am so deeply grateful. Awen.