Just a few days ago, I was sitting with a friend. sharing the first meal we've had together in a long time, and while we were mulling our thoughts over, crunching through a green mixture of lettuce and cucumbers, I had an aha moment.
I looked up at her and said, "There is no way I would be in this path, revolutionizing my world, and completely re-writing my life in this way if I hadn't had that relationship." She was startled, and then she smiled. "I know what you mean," she said.
It was true. This woman and I have known each other long enough to have witnessed each other do some pretty desperate and degrading things. We had traveled in friendship enough times around the sun to know the ugly of life. We had seen and experienced a lot together, including in the fair share of heartbreaks we both had gone through.
So here we were, some years later, in the midst of a global pandemic and a socio-cultural shakedown, sitting across from each other in her new home, both of us thirty and embarking on completely new and fresh beginnings.. And for a few more moments, I did a solo journey and climbed from my mind, down into my heart, and sat with the pops and sparks that were releasing from the clarity that had just dropped itself like clear, fresh water over my entire sense of Self.
Moments like these are the breakthroughs. They come after things have been brewing for awhile, like a nice strong cup of tea, or blend of cacao with herbs. They taste just as good to the body, too. It's the nourishment after the informational fasting period. The rejoining of the body and mind to the integrating subconscious. In fact, its the moments where the subconscious works its way to the conscious like a bubble of air traveling through water to rejoin its molecular companions at the surface.
Over the last month or so, I have had more breakthroughs from my subconscious than I have had in all my life. So that means A LOT. I'm a gal who has been walking a transformational path since, well, I could walk on my own two legs. I just didn't know it at the time. Recently, this has become more clear than ever before, and it was affirmed beautifully when I had my natal chart read, and you can read about that blessed experience here.
So what does a series of breakthrough Aha moments have to do with breakups?
How does it happen?
Well, it's not easy, and it's different for everyone. Here's the thing that makes breakups such a fertile ground for breakthroughs: they tear down life as you knew it. Especially when the ending is of a long-term partnership, or habit, everything that looks and feels like "normal" is suddenly ripped aside and torn asunder.
It's painful like only a true hearbreak-open can be. Which means its also the most rich and ripe site for the cultivation of newness. Ashes are the most fertile ground for new things to grow. And what comes up, what breaks through, those are your grand Aha moments on the path of your new beginning.
Autumn and Scorpio season of 2019 was the time of mass destruction in my life. My partnership crumbled in a matter of seven devastating hours, and broke me wide open as I have never been before. Life as I knew it had ended. And I was left sitting in the fire for a good and long while.
The burial ground for that relationship didn't come until many lunar cycles later, at the end of Cancer season, when I finally was able to release the residual ties to that past, take one last look at the skeleton bones of my old life, bless it, and cover it up for good.
It was 9+ months of integration of all that I had learned and experienced while in, not only that partnership, but also previous ones that were receiving the light on them as I dug my way through the recorded history of my romantic exchanges. There was a lot there for me. A lot asking to be examined, healed and then buried so that it could turn into something else, something that was meant for me now. That is transmutation; the process that occurs when energy is reconfigured to become energy of a different, higher vibrational sort. Its the biggest blessing of all.
Meanwhile, I was closing out the decade of my twenties and welcoming in the newness of thirty. I still didn't know much about where exactly I was going, was still regaining my vision. One thing that was clear though, was the absolute promise that this was going to be a decade of a totally different color and flavor. Life was never going to be the same again. Whatever it was going to be, though, I had a Knowing that it was going to be better, more healed, more beautiful, and I was going to be more my Self through it.
What I know from this is that when we go into a period of utter destruction and change with the intention to make it be for our Highest Good, we are already laying the perfect outline for the garden we wish to grow and cultivate over the next cycles of life. And it doesn't matter how many cycles it takes before those first shoots of green come up. When the seed bursts open under the surface, that is the integration period in the garden of our psyche. By the time the green is breaking through, we are having some real aha moments, and probably pretty often. That garden is getting ready to Become, in a big way.
And that's because its coming from the rich fertile underworld of a burnt down old paradigm of life. The breakup is the catalyst for new growth. It can always be this way, we just have to do the work. And gardens, really really beautiful, robust ones, are always a shit ton of work.
Because you also have to keep the invasive weeds out. And those can come through pretty easily when the soil is so fertile and the new blossoms haven't made their way to the surface and into the sunlight of reality yet.
Yes, it is certainly an easy thing to watch the potential garden get choked out by the invasive species of old stories, destructive habits, and toxic beliefs. The psychic weeds grow quickly if left unchecked, just like any of the psychic sludge that may be hanging around from the old life. And that is why it is so important to do the integrative work. The work that happens before the garden is hoed over and primed for new life. Because if you want to bury the skeleton with peace in your heart, and the desire to not see it rise up and walk again like Lazarus back from the dead, you have to give it a proper burial, and that means sitting through the fire, combing through the ashes, and finding all of what is there for you before you take the intention to move into a new phase.
Because the breakthrough garden of Becoming isn't the one of repeated past action. Not at all.
It's the garden of the unknown, where all you can see is what is right in front of you and the big picture vision of how it looks when its in full bloom. The rest remains the great mystery.
You know that you've done the work and labor to lay the past version of you to rest, and bless her once and for all. Her time is over, the time of standing tall in your Self is arriving with the spring rains.
When the fire and the wind and the rain have had their say, what becomes is the miracle. Its the gift of the breakthrough. Its the New Life, the life of More. The life your desires led you on towards, and asked you to sit in a swirling lake of lava and ash to get to. And you did. You made it. Literally.
You created it.
And when you are on the other side, more of more is waiting. And that includes more breakthroughs. These are reflective in nature, the ones where you are using the full empowerment of gratitude to experience the realized blessing of apparent challenge and struggle.
Recently, I drove to the northwest neighborhood in Chicago where I used to spend a lot of my time. In another space and time of my life, it had been my second home, the one I shared and belonged at while in the belonging of romantic partnership.
I hadn't been back there since that ending had come around last year, and I knew it was time. The calling had come; there was something there for me.
I still have friends there, and places I like to visit, so it wasn't a visit rooted in the intention of "going back". I knew that there was nothing of that life that I could go back to anyway. I had blessed and buried the skeleton, along with the shedding of the skin of that woman who used to go around and live her life there.
When I parked my car on the street and looked around, I couldn't help laughing out loud. It was a totally different place. Maybe its because I had new eyes and was 'seeing' it all very differently. Maybe its because I had reclaimed all pieces of myself from those memories and was walking through the energetic landscape as a whole and complete woman who was intent on holding space for her future. It was all of those things, really. All of that, plus my love, my joy, and my gratitude had re-awoken from where it had been in a sleepy, dormant state.
I experienced everything there for me as if I were seeing it for the first time. Not just seeing with my eyes, but also with my body and all of my internal sight as well. There was so much to take in, and then to witness as it interacted with my internal landscape. It was a thing of true alchemical beauty. Another Aha moment: "This is what it means to move through and into New Life. I'm not even tempted by the nostalgia of the old anymore. There is nothing left for me there. I am a woman who is completely holding herself open for her future. I have all of this joy and gratitude, and my open heart is loving every second, without the will or desire to change a single thing." Variations of these truths and affirmations came up frequently throughout the day. They carried me down the sidewalk, past shops and restaurants, into places I had been before, into interactions with perfect strangers. I smiled behind my mask and I knew, could feel, that every part of me was that smile. No mask can hide that. No nostalgia could hold it somewhere else. I was standing tall, walking tall, moving strongly towards the place that is meant for me. And I knew it in a huge way when I was asked to confront the place where I had first experienced such a lovely sense. of belonging. And I knew that, without the significant others of that place, and the energy of the place itself, that my journey would have gone very differently.
Let me revise what I first said in the beginning: there are many ways to arrive where I am going and get to where I am meant to be. Each of them is a different path, or a different direction to go down, and it always comes down to choice. We are free beings, after all. What I realized is that I am endlessly grateful that my path, the one I chose, brought into relationship with the people, one man, a set of places and neighborhoods, that allowed me the experiences that they did.
Along the journey, I am so glad that these are the partnerships that prompted me forward, that catalyzed me beyond what I knew could be for me. It is gratitude reawakened for the paths I have chosen that have lead me to the one I am currently walking.
So there I am, sitting with a good friend at her table, reveling in the joy of what was that brought me to what is. Knowing that what was has completely and utterly catalyzed my life on my unique path and helped me realize and begin to open my voice to its strong, resonating uniqueness.
The next breakthrough moment sounded something like this, "Aha, yes, there you are. Welcome home. It's a joyful thing indeed to have you here." A'ho.